what do you want, a cookie?

Apparently people have wanted a peak at my private matters today. First a woman walked in on me in the bathroom stall, secondly someone tried to get into my gym changing room, followed by yet another person attempting the door in the tanning booth I was in (also at the gym). All this to say, I've decided to open the window via this post and let the world know what I've been mulling over the last few days.

Real people leading real naked lives. (courtesy of Spencer Tunick)

A good friend of mine is leaving her husband (for very good reasons) but she went on to tell me a bunch more stuff that always irritated the crap out of her. One of them was his apparent addiction to live pornography. She said, "he might as well just pick up a prostitute, it's basically the same thing."

Well, being true to my tarot birth cards (Justice and the High Priestess) I can't weigh into something until I've weighed all of it.

So I asked a few other ladies what they thought about this matter. One said, "I'd kill him." Another said, "He's a jerk, I don't give a crap what he does anymore." Yet another still said, "yes, it's cheating in  my book."

Well, then I asked Google. Yep, I said, "Google, is live pornography cheating?" Google had LOTS to say on the matter.

I decided to weigh both sides, let's break it down shall we?

It's no secret that men get away with things like this all the time. They stare at other women, look at nude magazines, visit porn sites, go to strip clubs, etc. Why do they get away with it? There are a number of reasons (er, excuses) that often get thrown out about this, such as...

• Men need variety. (Um, really? Do you want a cookie or something? Oh wait, that's what you're doing, getting your cookie.)
• Men think about sex constantly. (So, what. There are plenty of things in the world that need fixing, get a life.)
• We can't help it. (So, you're saying you are incapable of making decisions? There sure are a lot of you in political office then if that's the case)
• Men are visually oriented. (yes, we are right here in front of you)

Women get upset about things like this because:

• It's disrespectful to us. (Why then do we as a gender continue to provide this entertainment thus disrespecting ourselves)
• It's degrading. (See above)
• It makes me feel shitty and unattractive. (Yes, it does, especially because society tells you that you should be all things to men and be a whore, but only in bed with one man, and his need for you to be attractive all the time is really really important. Um, have you looked at him lately?)

Okay, now that we've got that out of the way let's cut the superficial BS and try to find some roots. The roots of these evils, on both ends, are ego driven and are perpetuated by our poor sense of self esteem. A man who needs to consistently engage with many other women who don't know or love him obviously needs constant ego stroking to feel good about himself. Women, see bullet number three above.

The sad truths:

1. Men who regularly engage with this crap (monthly, weekly, daily, whatever) are slowly eroding their ability to be satisfied by their real sex life by building immunities to what's really in front of them. (sad, but true)
2. Women who find out their men are doing this and confront them end up feeling worse because he will do it again and she will find out and be hurt. (sucky and true)
3. Women who find out and don't tell their man they know suffer resentment and suspicion. (suckier? but true)
4. Majority of women across the world are not satisfied with their sex lives, but instead of engaging in other activities (like men do,) blame themselves and try to figure out how to better please their man. (really really sad but true)

Question for men next time you hit the keyboard running - How would you feel if you spent the bulk of your free time cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, running errands, working and pleasing us only to find out that we spend our free time chatting with a real, live, naked men while they do stuff for us to watch and talk dirty to us? Does that make you feel good? Wouldn't it also be great if we told you that you were insecure and jealous for caring? Or if we've asked you not to do it anymore only to find out otherwise a few days later? Awesome, yeah, good stuff...

Question for women next time you 'find out' - How would you feel if you were taught from a young age that you're a MAN, and men think with their penis and you subconsciously bought into it. Now you use your brain exactly the way you were taught, on mindless nonsense when you could be inventing something amazing or solving world hunger. Sweet, amazing, me smart...

I didn't really answer the question. What do I think? Is live pornography the same as cheating? Kind of, you are engaging with another real human being. My bigger question is why in the world would you do that when you have a kind hearted, caring woman who loves you and would do anything to please you if you only asked.

Pretty stupid. All of it. Nothings sacred anymore. Times have changed. I agree with redefining relationships and everything else, but let's do it in ways that are beneficial and build the kind of lasting deep bonding that we all crave and are too scared to really have.

WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO WEIGH IN! Seriously, you can comment anonymously, I am fascinated to know what people think. If you missed the question, it's "IS LIVE PORN CHEATING?"

Peace out baby.

Disclaimer: This weigh in is based on 'best case scenario' situations. This isn't about he said she said or well, she won't have sex with me, etc. Just regular couples with average sex lives and real lives. Also, many items above are slightly exaggerated so you get the point.

razor sharp

I wonder what thoughts would feel like if you could touch them. I know I've felt their impact on my psyche through the ethers. But would they reflect their edges to the touch? Misaligned resentment cutting, slicing fingers. Serene loving like the inside of the perfect mother's womb...

image from mindislife.com

I know what they look like on the page, but they lose their luminosity in the transfer from soul to file. They become vulnerable to rapid misinterpretation and misuse, losing their purity and looking dry or damp. 

I wonder too, if these most precious thoughts are kept to the self for these reasons. To keep them safe from harm, that is to imply that thoughts have a value and protection is necessary. And maybe some things are just better left to the ethereal in their simplest form of masses of energy.

Who cares? Wonder, amazement and pondering do. I guess it means things you can't touch are equally important as those you can.

And that's all the shaming I can offer for now...

the significance of

What is the significance of life? Some say it's love, others say it's accomplishment, others yet say it's to be enjoyed. I'm having one of those days where I can't find a reason to be alive when it's certain that I will die. Depressing? I suppose it is, but there's opportunity in these moments to unearth a big ball of crap wadded up from cyclical material life.

My question is, if it is love, accomplishment, enjoyment, etc. why is there so much suffering in the world? How do we go about our business of enjoyment everyday with no concern for our fellow humans being murdered, uneducated and set up for failure? Is there some special secret to turning a blind eye? Or is it just accepting that it's 'just the way things are."

I know one thing for sure, I don't know what the meaning of life is. On more serene days sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of it staring at the sky or passing a most peculiar looking tree. Those are very solitary moments in time where you can actually see everything at once and its perfectly balanced, but just for a second, and then it's gone. All the sorrow, pleasure, remorse, reluctance and revelation returns.

Some people say you just have to find a way to deal with it. Laugh when you can. Love often. Be yourself and stay sane.

I want to know what everybody else thinks, not to change my mind (it's not made up,) but to garner a wider perspective of humanity. So, what say you?

slippery nothingness

it wasn't in the slippery nothingness of the rain on her shoes
but the dry immobile crustiness of life at her feet
straightened hair
narrow in brow
led not astray
but without stray
like the rays of some lost sheltered lamb
in the eyes of a mother's womb
she wept.

the secret lives of men and women

I'm home sick again today by popular colleague demand and in between napping I was leafing through a book I stumbled upon awhile back. I was at the Half Priced Book Store looking for answers to my current dilemma's through the accidental finding of another's words meant just for me. The book is called "The Secret Lives of Men and Woman" and is a series of dark secrets put out there by real people leading real lives. The author put himself out there to receive and publish these cloak and daggers on behalf of people to get it off their chests.

The book is fraught with things like the following:

"I mailed her an anonymous newspaper article about infidelity so that she would be suspicious." 

"I once gave LSD to a possum." 

"I committed adultery hoping it would be more than just a F&^k. I was wrong!" 

"When my husband comes home drunk and passes out, I steal money from his wallet."

You get the picture. In a way this book is very sad. It's troublesome to think about all the disappointments, fears, resentments and general unhappiness on our backs. At the same time I applaud the author for the creative endeavor in providing people the opportunity to drop off a load.

I have secrets of my own and I'm about to off one. It isn't so much a secret as a story I've never told anyone, because it would probably freak people out. Nonetheless, it is a true story and it did, in fact, freak me out.

As you may have read in a previous post, I am an avid Out of Body experiencer. I had a period in my early twenties where I spent time researching and experimenting extensively with it. I was just working and doing little else, so I would take a nap every day and go fly around the world.

I started doing things like flying out the window, looking around to see what was happening in the neighborhood and quickly drawing myself back in to look outside and see if things matched up. It turned out they often did. A particular car in a driveway, a dog in the yard, someone mowing the lawn or a piece of equipment on a patio, etc. I was shocked at this phenomena of being able to be out in the real world without my body (vehicle.) Yes, I am aware there are other possible explanations for this, but I was there...

Well, one day with no planning on my part I visited my significant other in one of these experiences and discovered he was doing drugs. I left my body easily and floated about carelessly until I 'was taken' to a building I knew to be his workplace. He was there walking down a hallway. I 'walked' next to him and he was talking in his head, saying things like, "this is the last time." "After tonight I'm not doing this anymore." "God this is stupid, why am I doing this." There were stairs at the end of the hallway and he went down and gave money to a man and took a bag of cocaine.

When I came back to the 'real' world I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. Was that real? Had I gone into a lucid dream? What was happening. It was massively confusing mind madness. Well, he was supposed to come over that night after work. I waited and waited, he never came, never called. I tried calling him, nothing.

I couldn't exactly confront him under the circumstances or just ask point blank. How crazy would that sound! Especially to a born again Christian who already thought I was a witch for being an astrologer. So, I kept my mouth shut and sure enough found out shortly thereafter that he was in fact using drugs and blowing me off because of it.

All this to say, I've never told anyone this and I have visited other people on these travels, albeit unintentionally. But it's freaky to know it's a possibility and what that might all mean.

Have a secret? Anonymous comments are welcome...

There is also a website filled with secrets by the books author http://www.postsecret.com.

Enjoy.

the biggest crime

"Well the pale morning sins of forgotten things, she plays a tune for those who wish to overlook. The fact that they've been blindly deceived by those who preach and pray and teach, but she falls short and the night explodes in laughter. "

- The Lion's Roar

 

I haven't been saying much lately, my will has denied the enormous pressure of words backed up in my brain, but I feel compelled to say this. I'll say it once and I'll keep it brief.

It is my humblest of opinions that the most offensive crime one can commit on another human being is to treat them as though they are not good enough exactly as they are; human, flawed and imperfect. To teach and treat children and adults alike that they 'should' be a certain way, that somehow they would be better if they went against their natural inborn ways of looking, thinking, feeling and doing is truly insidious, unintelligible and straight up cruel. Although I may take ridicule for saying so, I feel that murder is almost more humane. And these crimes on human nature are what lead to the crimes more commonly referred to as crimes.

Now, I'm not saying that offering guidance or assistance to others to improve themselves is wrong. But to truly and intentionally put those thoughts into someone's mind is also a crime on humanity because in doing so the confidence and drive to put oneself out into life to make it a better place with ones unique gift is now tainted with all that is fear.

It is not a wonder there is so much violence, hate and cruelty in a world where we do not see that I am you and you are me. We inhabit the same place, habituate the same, struggle the same struggles and feel the same feelings.

The upside is we can do something about it.

And that's all I have to say right now...

it's all personal

Having spent time researching submitting poetry and writing I've noticed a common banality. In many of the submission guidelines they drone on and on about not writing about yourself. I find this curmudgeonly in the sense that HOW CAN YOU NOT write about yourself? Even if you're writing fiction you're still living through a set of characters and spinning their reactions from your internal feelings and intuitions about life and the characters.

image from here because I'm too lazy to make one.

In my humblest of opinions, this is comparable to asking for a facade, asking for something fake. And even if you're faking it, it's still personal, because YOU'RE faking it. It can only be faked in the way that you are capable of supplying said fakery.

I do have a point, maybe. It's like people. The people who are closest to us don't care about any face we can put on, they would find that drab and for lack of a thesaurus; superficial. What is the point of expressing oneself in interaction if you're only expressing a fabricated part of you. Why would writing, singing, dancing, living and being pose any difference.

In short. It's all personal. Life is personal. Experience is personal. Love is personal. Sex is personal. Routine is personal. Pets are personal. Children are personal. And WE are; personal. Although my eyes see something other than what you see, when we take the time to breathe in someone elses exotic perspective, we connect with that which is larger than us, because we know; somewhere, somehow, somebody else is muddling through the same shit that we are.

The end.