depth by happiness

I used to feel that depth was only found in the shadows. In the darkness. In the deep recesses. Yet, somehow, quite recently I stumbled upon a happiness so far down I barely recognized it. It was so big and so wide I couldn't see across it, and I didn't need to. It wasn't coming home after a long dreary day, it was a true feeling of expansion from in to out.

I suddenly became less cautious of what I shared and more willing and able to ask for what I wanted. The fear dimmed to the sound of a humble stream you sit next to for clarity in troubled times. I liked myself more for who I am, exactly as I am and found new ways to be less critical and more accepting. Everything became more whole-hearted and it seems the world and everything in it ceased in closure. It was suddenly open, where before I'd need to pry open the windows to see outside.

And in all of this, I can now see why the darkness seems to hold the depth. It has the ability to find real feelings with ease. It's easy to breathe sadness and sarcasm. It's easy to see a way to wallow alone in darkness. Nobody is there to judge it, it's just you. The light is less recognizable, it doesn't breed tears, tiredness and shame.

I like it. This happiness feels like love to me. It's something that's only time limit is yourself withholding. When being in it, in the very moment and putting out exactly what you are is all that's needed to keep the sacredness in tact.

This post is all about me. Yep, unapologetic, I feel euphorically capable of handling the windfalls, because I have me by my side. But, I hope that in doing so I can finally shed light for others and live out whatever purpose I'm here to impose.

And that's all I have to say right now... Until next time, forever shameless.

death by

suicide.

Chris Cornell.
Robin Williams.
Marilyn Monroe.
Kurt Cobain.
Mindy McCready.
Bob Welch.

The list is much longer than this and will continue to grow. Imagine all of that talent; disposed. At least they live on through their work. I think it's ever disturbing to be human in some ways. Especially if you are at least moderately awake. There's a nagging sense of not belonging in the body, but being forced to use it. Sometimes I think of it as a long daily commute. Trapped in the car, unable to fly like you know you would if you were as free as the stirrings of your insides.

There are so many limitations to living in a body. When your mind and your spirit don't match, it can be so alone. Tragic? Yes. But as much as these icons shed their skin on the screens, through lyric, song and modeling a fancy, their deaths seem so symbolic of something we intrinsically know as humans. To be vulnerable. To be out of place. To be constantly striving to be oneself and find the will to spread a unique vision out for the world to know. But even when you do, the fear that it will be lost in translation or mis-used is present. And if you become too successful, someone will want to bring you down. And for what? For manifesting your own greatness or for selling out...

I get to feeling that we all want to be seen and heard for our deepest self. Some shine best in the public, some avoid it and prefer only close intimacy, but we all crave it. And I can see how the drive to be actualized followed by perpetual disappointment, coupled with drugs and an insane lifestyle could lead someone to take that action. That last moment of despair, faced alone and the desire to escape the unending highs and lows of living. It's devastating.

But it is something to really draw in and consider. Iconic in life, symbolic in death. To momentarily recall that we're all fragile and we're all in this together, so why all the separation? Why all the violence and hurt. It could only be better, with a little consciousness. A little consideration. Less tragedy, more support.

I think Chris Cornell expressed these sentiments well in "Shadow of the Sun" - Audioslave. If you've never, I recommend it. That's all I have to say right now.

"Shadow Of The Sun"

Once upon a time I was of the mind
To lay your burden down
And leave you where you stood
And you believed I could
You'd seen It done before
I could read your thoughts
Tell you what you saw
And never say a word
Now all that is gone
Over with and done - never to return

[Chorus 1:]
And I can tell you why
People die alone
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Staring at the loss
Looking for a cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned

[Chorus 2:]
And I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lives inside my skin

[Chorus 2:]
And I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

label me

Sometimes I get to thinking the simplest truth ends up confined by a definition. Must we become as we are labeled? And yet, it's something so incredibly difficult to refrain from engaging in.

Boxes are put inside of boxes. Quite literally. How often do you receive an Amazon package that contains a boxed item that's been placed inside of another box? Is it imperative to box and re-box and confine everything?

Consider the start of a relationship, it starts out fun and filled with anticipation. And BAM, suddenly it's as though we back ourselves into a corner attempting to define it, or figure out where it's 'going.' Maybe your someone who likes a lot of alone time or you don't want to live with someone? Do you really have to? No. But you may end up feeling like you should or whatever, because it's what we think is correct or right...

Why, is what I'm extra curious about right now? I hold a lot of 'strange' views that people love to disagree with and I consider myself to be pretty okay with allowing a natural unfolding. One of my favorite boxes is regarding sexuality. I whole heartedly believe that humans are naturally designed to be attracted to or have a chemical reaction to either gender. In short, I think the only reason people are gay or lesbian is because it's a forced decision. You are attracted to or had sex with someone of the same gender, therefore you are gay or bi-sexual or whatever... But in our absolute purest forms, we're attracted to values and qualities and the souls of others and need not define why, or make a choice about it. Maybe we could've been allowed true freedom, if we hadn't been tainted with formed teachings and stereotypes.

Swallow the pill, as soon as your born, you'll be defined by everything you are and everything you're not. We don't have chips or barcodes yet, but we're still hard-wired to defeat ourselves by taking what we love and closing it in. Keep it safe. But why can't we just be; free...

That's all I have to say right now, well kind of! Working on getting back into this writing thing is more complicated than one might think. I think I forgot how. Or maybe I'm rebelling against defining my thoughts.

And so, I'll leave you with this beautiful Muse song. It's easy to presume it's another love song, but for me, it's about the entire universe and consciousness. It's about starting over and creating Utopia. Enjoy. Be. Free.

A little rusty

There's a lot going on in the world right now, isn't there? Or is there? Do any of us really know? Is the truth even accessible?

I'm a little rusty with writing, so bear with me, or don't, your choice...

It seems to me that the world has evolved at such an incredible speed in so many areas. Medical advances, technological advances, mental abilities, physical abilities and so much more. Yet somehow we manage to function at a caveman enough level that violence is still an incredible part of our society.

What will it take to evolve humanity to the point of being able to look at another human being and see them exactly as such, a human being, trying to make it or even thrive within their lifetime? It seems like such a simple concept and yet day in and out, fighting, bombing, murder, terrorism are the highlight of the news rail.

What is violence? 

Terrible. And yet somehow still such a deep seated part of our physiological make up. I know when I get angry it can be an unstoppable force for physical activity, but it can also mean I say things that truly stem from intense hurt, at the core. Maybe that's what it is. Our world is hurting, intensely and instead of going down and to that next level of emotion, it's easier to lash out and destroy the 'cause' of our hurt and despair.

Some say it's power. By now most of us know that war and terrorism stem from power, but why? Doesn't the desire for power stem from the hurt that comes from feeling powerless?

Not sure I have a point here, but I'd like to do something in my lifetime, even if it impacts only a few people, to change the view.

While I'm ruminating (in the lab, with a pen and a pad...) I welcome any ideas. There are so many movements and organizations, but we need a greater reach. There has to be a way to use all of our advances to finally realize that all life has value and there's no need for violence.

PS: I'll get better at this again, if you made it all the way through, APPLAUSE! And thank you for your time.