The truth is I felt beyond repair. Despite knowing I did the right thing, I went from feeling the most abundant I ever had to glowing ashes inside the Earth. Now? I'm unemployed for the first time in 22 years and I've been bouncing back and forth on the daily from gratitude and trusting to undiluted depression and horror.
Having so much time to occupy ranges from:
- Extreme motivation
- Endless ideas
- Watching YouTube videos on techniques for business start ups
- Running on my treadmill in my basement
- Going to the gym if I feel brave enough to see other humans
- Counting down the weeks until I can't pay the bills anymore
- Attempting to estimate my tax return in my head
The stream of endless ideas, coupled with an intense desire not to work for 'the man' anymore has done nothing more than drain mental energy and cause a feeling of incompetence. In short, I accomplish something and run into a roadblock. Start something else, yep, roadblock. See JaySeas Tees for example.
Well after dinner with Grandma and watching a Hallmark movie called Love Locks, I stumbled upon a Jim Carrey article about depression. The article linked to the Elephant Journal, which lead me to a writing sample submission form. I went looping through my blog and decided upon The Heart is a Muscle. Reading through the posts on this blog turned a screw inside my brain and here's the real deal.
All of the posts on this blog are straight from internal source. There is no marketing strategy. There is no desire to write to a specific audience. There is nothing formulated about it. It's straight from the moment and direct from the heart. And I realize, that is how I want to live my life. These roadblocks aren't there to trip me up, I AM the roadblock by way of being incapable of the inauthentic performance the YouTubers want me to be.
Although this doesn't solve the dilemma, it's a little like being handed a garage door opener when you've lost your house keys. It reminded me that although I am naive and I DO NOT live in reality very often, I can't lose that. It's the most important thing about me and I don't need to pretend to be somebody else to be successful, I simply just need to be my weirdo self.
And so, I'm back and forever shameless. I hope you derived something of value from this post. Peace, Heart and Soul to all my peeps.
