Things of an intimate nature

I get to thinking about how fearful people are about their internal lives. I myself am terrified of the day I get dementia and end up saying thoughts I only hear inside my head. But, I'm shameless, and I will discuss.

Did your mind ever consider yanking off someone's arm and beating them with it? Or perhaps you cleaned up your dogs poop and thought about eating it. Too far? It's always okay when we discuss wanting to get with your wife's best friend, right? So, why not these other thoughts? They are the ones that end up with mass shootings and extreme murder sprees, correct?

A culture obsessed with that which can be sold. Atrocities in the media, or school closings because nothing else is happening except the weather (#MN2015+) At the same time, we're brainwashed with being as skinny, healthy and beautiful as possible? Hmm... Make you sad about the state of affairs to want to fix yourself? Or to stress eat enough to need the lose weight program? Yeah, pattern is clear.

I ask a ton of questions, I'm okay with that. Who else is asking? I recall my 90 year old Grandma telling me after the latest mass shooting; "We used to put these people in mental facilities, locked up! And now they are free to roam around." Right or wrong Grandma, she was making a point. We recognized the intense thoughts in people as something to be addressed.

But today, would we be able to?

Lest you be constantly swayed by politics, and what for? Our political system is as corrupt as our media, they work in tandem. We are not a democracy. In order for it to be "about the people" it needs an overhaul, sorry, not sorry.

What's the point... The point is people have nowhere to dispose of their own evil. We're taught to stuff it and strive to be a certain way and then our prominent figures commit suicide, or disappear. The Veteran who is recognized for their sacrifice, but never the long range torment. Same with the victim of violence who escaped.

Our whole world is built around temporary moments of recognition today. Literally. And there are these amazing people, they go out of their way to make their ideas come to fruition and succeed! It seems impossible, but they do it! And there are the "most" of us, just drowning out the days to get to a weekend we won't recall, only to continue a cycle of M-F, F-Sun.

Not pretty, right? Here's the thing though, every single day we listen to the media discuss all these atrocities on the news and simultaneously we're brainwashed with ads about how to smell and look better. Hmm... In reality, our minds are a scattered mess of contradictions that force us to discuss sadness and at the same time seek a level of perfection that is not achievable.

#FirstWorld Problems, RIGHT. If you don't understand that you're part of the problem.

I've discussed this before, yet it's still valid; a place where people just say what's in their head. Or perhaps the people you reveal your utmost crazy upon? And when I say that, I say it in a way that wonders why the hell our media doesn't acknowledge it. We recognize Veterans (for example) and refuse to support them in dealing with the absolute hell they went through. Or victims of crimes unthinkable are condoned for finding the strength to endure and escape. This is makes for incredibly victorious stories, right?!

There's no place (outside of stand up comedy) to acknowledge the atrocities in our minds. The place that literally creates our reality. None. We are left to create them ourselves. We don't see live interviews of people discussing the true depths of mind.

Is that wrong? I'm not saying it is, but there is such a predisposition on everything that we are at risk of disconnecting even further all the time. It's as though we would be disowned for expelling.

These Dreams...

I don't love you, but I still dream about you. I don't want you in my life, but it's like we're old friends when I sleep. She's always there, in our house we built. Completely unbothered, she is, as we catch up on what's happening in our lives.

Sometimes the dog is there, neighbors, old friends, family members. New faces I've never seen.

I wander in and discover you're happy to see me and it is in that exchange where I have to wonder if you dream of me too. That isn't true, I know you do.

In the flesh, there is no denying; it was never going to work. All the fussing and fighting, the making up and doing it all over again. The times we had the same dreams, so yes, I know you do.

All of it rendered me a shell of a human for quite a time and you would think I would loathe these dreams, but I don't.

I wake feeling whole again. Like a missing piece of myself has been restored. I lay there with my eyes closed, recreating the feeling, not wanting to wake. And my days are always better after these dreams. I feel alive, energized, as if my batteries were officially recharged.

And it's sad to me, that in this waking life, there are no words. I see you, infrequently, and we are complete strangers. Two souls who never knew each other it would seem.

But only in these dreams, you are a sibling, lover, friend, a tie that cannot be broken. Perhaps in another life these hearts will beat differently.

My thoughts on the 2024 'debate'

 Ugh, politics. I used to feel that the change in President didn't have much impact on my life, but the past 3.5 years definitely did and frankly, I am not looking forward to the future.

If both parties just stated things clearly in the debate last night, it would've been much shorter:

Harris - This is scripted and I do support all of my previous policies, but right now, I need to get in office and it shows. PS: Have you listened to me speak about things I actually believe in? You can tell I'm being truthful because I'm passionate and form unscripted sentences. But, I can't do that right now because it poses threads to my campaign.

Trump - Americans are tired of their tax dollars being used on everyone except for them and they can't afford your way forward. PS: I am not banning abortion, nor have I ever stated I would. End of story.

The way I see it: Those of us who are currently in favor of Trump are so for the following reasons:

- We are tired of our tax dollars being spent on everyone except Americans

- We don't care what color you are, what gender you decide to be, your sexual preference, or whether you're having an abortion; we are busy with our own lives and are trying to stay afloat

- We are not happy that the country is flooded with people who have nowhere to go. How is that a good thing? And we don't want to pay for their healthcare and housing, we can barely pay for our own

- Where does Harris think this money is going to come from? On this track with her proposed policies, she will triple the deficit, to a point where they have to make up a new number because she will surely surpass the googoplex with her policies

- Trump didn't do any of the things they are claiming he's going to in his four years, why would he do them now? He wasn't a dictator and he didn't take away rights, including the right to abortion. Read about it.

- Why would Donald Trump not take a salary his four years as President, be indicted, and shot in the face and still run for President if he was out to "Destroy" our freedom and rights.

It makes no sense.

I for one, think we need a financial advisor in office for another 4 years to fix the economy and then we can move on to long range planning for things like electric cars, universal healthcare and education, etc. 

Us regular people, we are not opposed to any of the things you claim we are. We simply want the American way of life and the past 3.5 years it's been way too fucking hard. Way too hard.

My Money, My Choice is how I feel about it. I don't want my tax dollars being spent the way they are and neither does Mr. Trump, so I'm voting for him and I know I will not regret that decision.

And that's all I have to say right now. 

A fever and the small things

 I was told one of the smartest things I've ever heard a few weeks back. Here it is.

"If you always take care of all the small things, the big things are easy."

If you know me, you know nothing is ever taken for its 'flat' version. There's always an entire universe breeding beneath a word, a phrase, a tree branch, or what have you. So, what if this seemingly simple concept were applied to the world we inhabit? What if all the small (us included) was tended to, kept in check, fed, clothed, and loved? Would war be handled differently or dissipate entirely? Could all this hate and violence be eliminated in those big moments they become inflamed?

I have no answers, only questions. Yet that is my dream, to see it all at peace, at ease, and at play. But, could we evolve without the drama? That is the bigger question?

Secondly, I wrapped up watching 1883 last night. If you haven't, I highly recommend it. In the second to last episode, Tim McGraw makes this statement, ignore the grammar:

"It don't matter if it hurts, it matters if it gets infected and you end up with a fever."

When taken as metaphor, there is a raw truth relating to our emotional well-being (and those small things...) It's so easy to allow hurt to wreak havoc on our behavior. It builds up until we are infected and become feverish, seeking clarity, vengeance, or simply to be heard.

Who cares Jennifer? I do! Why did I bring this up? I suppose because it's so easy to get caught in ordinary living. To heard words as simple literal phrases is to miss out on visions of the larger picture. The vision we all contribute to each and every day. It may sound silly, but reflection is what forces us to become not only more of ourselves, but better versions of ourselves and perhaps that is the only thing that could lead us to more loving ways of life.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Are we being 'snowed'

It's no question that these are strange times. Indeed we've seen strange times before, but do you recall the historical events of social obedience and the lives which were cost? The fact is that most of us in the face of fear will follow instruction. 'They' know this.

Both WWI and WWII were born under planetary configurations in which Saturn and Pluto were in difficult aspect. Our current situation is no different, perhaps except for the fact that Jupiter just came into the mix. I originally suspected it would simply expand the death toll. (Jupiter = expansion) / (Pluto = Death/Regeneration) but an optimistic thought just crossed my mind. Perhaps Jupiter will equal Justice and Truth, which he is also in favor of.

Justice for whom? Us. The common people, and not in the form of a check, but hopefully in the realization that those in control have little but ill intention.

Think of the good that has come from civil disobedience? Women's right to vote, human rights, the end of slavery. And all the lives those who helped hide families from Hitler's death camps. Civil disobedience often comes from the helpers. They weren't following orders, they simply knew what was right and what was wrong.

I am not saying I have any clue what is going on with COVID-19, but I am saying we all have a nagging spidy sense telling us something is NOT right and I'm incredibly hopeful when Mercury heads back into Aquarius, with Jupiter conjunct Saturn/Pluto that we finally find out. I get a strong sense that the Super Moon in Libra is going to aggravate the situation in the next few days, causing more restrictions, but leading to more investigations.

I certainly hope that it isn't true, that COVID-19 wasn't created in a lab to be used as biological warfare, but I am not ruling it out. Looking back at history, while it is a pandemic, it is nothing compared to the 11 Million who were systematically killed by Nazi Germany, which ended in an estimated 75 Million deaths during WWII. The coronavirus statistics are all over the map in accuracy, but they've estimated 74K. And yes, it's still a very big deal, but consider what was happening during those times? Think about it. And think about all the people who followed suit and not only allowed it, but also participated. Fear.

Our lack of toilet paper is pretty meaningless. We need to rise above the fear and hopefully get to the bottom of this without walking into a new world order. It could be, if we allow them to 'provide' it.

And that's all I have to say...

So smart...

I know I talk about past lives a lot, it's because I believe in them. I also think the soul knows way more than we do, but we aren't graced with that knowledge throughout life. And, I feel compelled to tell this story.

A long time ago, I met a man who would become my best friend and my husband. We were happy. I know that nostalgia can kill a lot of negativity, but when I look back I do see real, easy happiness. The kind I don't think I was used to seeing as a kid. We rarely fought, we laughed so much, we were full of inside jokes. Just happy. And then something happened. Nothing visible really, but I know that I was compelled to leave and we ended up getting divorced.

I went with it, as I do, but years later we could still talk like good friends and there was no animosity. We still have 'joint' custody of the dog, so I see him and his new family on occasion. When I met his daughter the first time, it was amazing. She glommed onto me like we'd known each other forever. The sweetest little girl. I met her when I was picking up the dog for a weekend stay and again a few times after that. It dawned on me a couple years ago that she was the reason. We were going to be DINKS forever and if I hadn't left, he would never have been a Dad and I always thought he would be the very BEST FATHER EVER.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I received a message from his wife. She said, I had to tell you this, we were taking Diva to the groomers (our dog) and his daughter randomly said, "I miss Jennifer, I want to give her a hug." Keep in mind, I've only met her a few times. I was so shocked and what I get from that, is this little soul knows I had to go so she could be born. She knows I played a part in it. Amazing. Skeptic all you want, but there's no real logical reason for her to remember me like that. 

I said, she has such a big heart, give her a hug for me! She wrote back to say the little girl said, "My heart is love Mama." 

I almost fell straight into tears, if that isn't the smartest statement you've ever heard, I don't know what is. And I think to myself, I'm so glad that this amazing little girl was born and that I followed the illogical path I felt before me. The world needs to hear more statements like that and remember their truth.

And in that moment, my 38 year old heart got bigger too...

That which seems small

When I got home tonight, I went to turn on the TV and I stumbled upon this book I made for my Grandma last year. I re-read a good portion of it and leafed through the photos. The book is titled "My Life, My Family." See, Grandma wrote up her 'bio' for her church group book club because they asked her to share her life story and she entrusted me with her short, hand written notes. She said she knew I would keep it safe.

Instantaneously I knew I wanted to make it into something, but I tucked it away for a time. Coming back to it later, I emailed the fam and asked them to write their favorite stories or whatever about Grandma and I would make it into a memorable book for her.

It took several months to get everyone's stuff and photos together and to create it. I found this awesome online book publisher called The Book Patch and ordered up a few copies intending to give it to her on Christmas day.

When they arrived I was shocked at how well it turned out. A full color, soft cover book (much like a Berenstein bears book...) was under $10 a piece. Crazy, I know!! Anyhow, when I presented Grandma with her Christmas gift, she cried and so did I. She could hardly believe that this effort was made on her behalf and she was so proud. She would thank me over and over when I saw her for it, for almost a whole year ahead.

Anyways, when I look back at it now I think that was the smallest but biggest thing I did that entire year. I took an idea and made it something so valuable to a very important person in my life and I'm so glad I didn't dilly dally and forget about it.

All this to say (like I always say, but usually in a more ambiguous way) there's magic in the small things, you just have to find it.

Peace out. Love you Grandma!

The Humor in it

Sometimes I like to watch the creatures of the world in the morning. So busy at work, spinning webs, collecting sand, sparring over the last few seeds in the feeders. A universe full of tiny worlds inside of bigger worlds.

The tiny worlds mimic the human world, with their hierarchy, status in the food chain and again, that general busyness. It's in these moments where unity is so present in my mind, I cannot fathom the want for ill manners and disregard for all that lives...

There is so much vulnerability in simply being and still that same vulnerability appears to be somehow lesser to the drama of humor and story telling. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a jolly good time as much as the next person, but to me there is this discrepancy in value. In order to be considered interesting or well-liked, one needs to possess this rambunctious quality of entertainment, where the more introspective persona is 'too serious' or 'boring.'

I tend to disagree. I find tender people, who put their hearts on the line really refreshing. To me, they are raw and real.

As that introspective vulnerable individual, it's easy to get lost in the sea of laughing drunken faces. Faces that on occasion become almost demonic in their lack of integral quality. Not all the time, but at times, I prefer the busy spider. He/She has a purpose in each action and literally lives inside a state of susceptibility. There's no covering, no mask, just acting out the mission it serves inside the giant world. Is that mirror there for a reason? Is it our function to simply be mused and amusing? I tend to think not, but who am I to say.

Maybe there's a balance to all of it, for there is an underlying truth in every joke, as much as there is a lonely sadness beneath the one telling countless egotistical tales from the past to any open (or closed for that matter) ear. And so the cycle competes itself, no not completes, that was intentional. One side covers for the other, while the other uncovers.

And that's all I have to say right now.

It reminds me of...

Chris Cornell might beg to differ in all his liking of things that don't remind him of anything. That said, many years ago I used to frequent a karaoke bar called The Otter. A tiny, kitchy little place with odd memorabilia, sayings and a tremendous painted mural on the outside street wall.

Inside was nearly always packed with hipster type locals being stars. The acoustics were foul, the beer was chilled but not cold, and fun times were never far. Hanging from the ceiling is an antique style car with two dolls in the front seat that match the era. The old woman with gray hair is wearing glasses and a flowery dress, the gentleman a gray suit (at least that's how I remember it...) It took me a few years to even notice it was there.

I said to the gentleman I was talking with that it reminded me of this poem I read in English lit. It was about a very old couple, who loved each other very much but they were done with life. One Sunday afternoon, they dressed up, went to Church and took a drive that ended in their successful, albeit peaceful, suicide. They died holding hands in their Sunday best in what I imagine was their most prized possession, their antique car.

I searched for the poem/story, but was too impatient to wait to write this. But, what I wanted to say is a story can be found in every space, every person, every inch of this world and it subjects us to more meaningful thought.

How was the story meaningful? I suppose for me it painted a romanticized vision around something I definitely resonated with during that class. It represented a love bond that did not want to be broken. A reverse Romeo and Juliet, if you will. Fiction is as fiction does. Draws us into corridors we can't experience in the drudgery of mundane existence. And that is where creation begins. We are born creators, without imagination we are simply mortal beings existing to exist.

In summary, surround yourself with others who paint a vision around what they see, sense and experience. Logic is for work and necessity, but vision makes the Earth spin and is also how we find out anything and everything.

The tiny monster

It was a gorgeous day in Minnesota today. I sat outside catching up on some phone calls and I kept hearing this noise underneath my front deck. My imagination envisioned a giant snake or alien out of a movie creeping towards me and the extreme reaction following its exposure.

As I stood up to go inside, I discovered the tiniest of birds about 24 inches from where my foot was. It was down a step, so I didn't see it. This tiny bird scarcely moved. I'm terrified of birds, so I spoke to it ever so gently as I backed away slowly. "Hello. Are you all right? Are you injured?" I said, as though it could hear me.

I walked indoors, nonetheless, and thought I'd check on it in a bit. Alas, the symbolism wasn't lost on me, nor is it an uncommon message. But, I'm always glad to hear from the Universe. To me, it's a clearer message in symbol form. Aside from being a firm believer in the 'still small voice,' I often find it difficult to hear... Or so I think.

I poured a new cup of coffee and turned to the door, walked out and the bird was gone. And I'm left to wonder.

I'm going to spell this out because people tend to say I'm too vague.

A. The imagination blows up the unknown into things that are scary.
B. Most often things aren't as big and scary as you think.
C. If it involves somebody else, maybe the big scary thing is a result of their injury or insecurity.
D. Maybe it's just a bird and means nothing. (If you don't believe in messages from the environment...)

Well friends. I do believe in messages from the environment, I do believe in symbolism and I do believe my brain is frightened enough to envision my worst nightmares out of the tiniest of things. And if it does involve somebody else, they probably don't mean me any harm. Just like the tiny bird.

Ironically, I was still a bit frightened of the tiny bird, but I persevered in engaging with him/her. I was so afraid it was injured and I didn't want to leave it alone to die. And that's another message from the Universe about me. I care, even when scared.

And then you take these messages and you run ahead into life. Sometimes you tip toe, sometimes you hide, others you strut like a mo-fo. But, you do it with the awareness to hear what's meant for you to know so you can know you like never before and impact change in yourself and change in the world around you. And nothing and everything more.

Peace and light. Forever shameless.

Pink Full Moon in Scorpio

We are never strangers. We've met many times before. With each 'new' relationship we find a version of ourselves reborn. Who are you, that is also me?

When I saw the light in your eyes, it shone upon my face and I was renewed. The darkness did follow with the unfolding of each layer you saw in the me, that is also you...

This is the theme. Scorpio transformation comes from the deep feelings we have in relating with others in a non-superficial way. Following the sign of Libra where relationships are give, take, friendly and diplomatic partnerships we find what is raw. All the hurt, joy and lust swell and collapse inside us, if we see it that way. But more often than not we displace it onto the beloved (or hated) other.

It's hard to know thyself through another. When we're tangled up far inside, it stings (Scorpions tail) when they (we) are let down. It's incredibly personal, this betrayal that comes from the super high experienced in the new. There is no room for detachment. The feels are all or none.

To know that your ghost knows their ghost. And senses are far more than words. That is the Scorpio energy. Nothing is lost in the energetic ether, we can feel it pumping blood to our veins.

A beautiful dance within the matrix. Do I take the blue pill or the red pill? Who should I become is the decision we're truly making. When we decide to commit to another person, we're also committing to loving and being the part of ourselves that they've drawn to the surface.

Did you draw on my domesticity and desire for security? Or did you breathe life into the creative child who lives inside? Do I begin to question everything I know because of you? 

So on this day, be inside of this. See who it is that you are in your most precious relationships. Is this the part of you that you love, or are you performing a dance because it felt good on the ego? Scorpio doesn't like that. She doesn't give two shits about your security. She'll draw someone into your life to destroy that security if she vows another part of you is ready for fecundity.

And this is where life beings. With desire so strong it won't be denied by even the most tenable. 

invincible heart

I was thinking about heart break a little bit this evening. For whatever reason, I had this vision of a cartoon drawing of a heart. Although he/she held no swords, there were millions of battles behind him/her. He was sweaty and bleeding, but held an enormous toothy grin on his face and surrendered forward forever more.

It is from this vision that I realize heartache can be a choice. When we say, "I don't want to get hurt." or "I don't want to hurt you." We are being fearful. What if heart was built fearless, like the tarot card the fool and continuously battled his/her way through life with that youthful virility that left him always hopeful and never sterile?

I have no answers, of course. But this vision did make me smile nonetheless. I tend to be that super naive person who enters things like said heart, but mind intervenes and tells me I'm a stupid dumb ass.

So heart sets forward with this enormous shield and ends up deflecting the very things it needs for the foolhardy journey.

Is that ironic? No. I think it's just a progressive lifestyle. Progressive in the irritating traditional sense. And due to life experience, we're unable to maintain the trusting naivete of formative years, before the battering and bruising turned mind into parent over heart.

But one question still remains. Is that progressive? Seriously, is it progressive to build walls that prevent an incredible unfolding journey, in favor of some serious stability?

Maybe, if our values are distinctly conventional. And this brings me to another 'point.' Perhaps collectively we could move in a new direction, or maybe generation millennial already is! One that is less fearful because it isn't always tempting dogma, but rather respecting it for something long gone by? Or is the attempt to escape dogma and convention a mechanism to avoid moral dilemma? Kind of like escaping the law. But isn't the justice system corrupt? Too many questions.

And in this backwards, roundabout way (as usual) I'm attempting discovery of that middle ground, where heart and mind work together to scale the mountain. Even when they are back to back... Who will win? Aspiration: no one, or better yet both.

And that's all the rambling I have for now.

Personal is best

Charles Bukowski, famous poet always stood on the ground that personal is best. And I could not agree more. There's something magical about those who face vulnerability in their lives through art, music, writing, or just character. It is this vulnerability that connects humans to other humans.

If this is true, why is it so hard to be real? Living in a world where we're told that we need this, that or the other thing in order to be happy changes us. We've grown up at the very center of it. I remember reading stupid teen magazines as a young teenager and plotting my way to an unobtainable body, instead of being told about the magic of giving freely of yourself, despite the outcome.

For some, it takes a lifetime to simply say "I love you." Is it because of the fear of rejection, do they simply not love themselves, or maybe a combination of both. That said, how liberating is it to put yourself on the line with the internal knowledge that you're okay either way.

I started this blog years ago, with that exact sentiment. See Butter is as Butter does if you're new here. And although I don't have a ton of followers, or even comments in many cases, it is liberating to put your own rare meat on the page in a shout or a whisper, without remorse.

In short, if you ever doubt being real, don't. The fake stuff doesn't carry a tune into the heart of another. Just like you wouldn't put I can't believe it's not butter on lobster (AT LEAST I FUCKING HOPE NOT!) other souls don't want those raunchy chemicals either.

Thank you Charles Bukowski for teaching this lesson through your outrageous, often disgusting tales of your real life.

If you're loved

"If you're loved by someone you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it." - The Avett Brothers, Head Full of Doubt

The driving force behind the desire to be loved is to be accepted, unconditionally.  

There exists innumerable amounts and types of love in the Universe. I see it as the little things. Small gestures of random kindness given freely without request. When your own cup is full, it naturally fills others.

Love is fluid like water. It isn't the rapid thunder pounding chest. It's a restless tide that files neatly into gaps. It's an old couple sitting on a bench on a sunny afternoon, silently holding hands. It's Mother holding baby and snuggling its' tiny face. A dog nestled up behind your knees. Easy, without resistance or rejection.

Why love? Well it's February 14th of course, a Holiday I've vehemently rejected most of my adult life. I don't enjoy being told what to do or how to love. I find it irritating that the heart is able to learn loneliness from the succubus that is Valentine's Day. Who cares if you aren't coupled or have a date for a made up holiday?!!

What I have to say is you're never alone. Love exists in all places, all things and in you. When you learn to laugh when you're by yourself, you've found love.

And when the natural way you show love jives with someone else's, that's more than a chemistry experiment. It's that simplicity, inside jokes and knowing smiles. That's love. 

Short and Sweet. You are love. Be love in your own way, and hey if you like chocolate covered hearts bestowed on you, cool beans. Just let it be what you like for real, not years of rampant conditioning.

Peace out. Happy Love Day.

The Real Deal

As the title suggests, this is the real deal. I recently went through an experience from top to bottom in a very small amount of time. One of those things that leads you to the point of now or never. I'll spare the gory details, but after accepting what appeared to be an amazing job offer, I ended up leaving that job for reasons of personal value and integrity.

The truth is I felt beyond repair. Despite knowing I did the right thing, I went from feeling the most abundant I ever had to glowing ashes inside the Earth. Now? I'm unemployed for the first time in 22 years and I've been bouncing back and forth on the daily from gratitude and trusting to undiluted depression and horror.

Having so much time to occupy ranges from:

• Extreme motivation
• Endless ideas
• Watching YouTube videos on techniques for business start ups
• Running on my treadmill in my basement
• Going to the gym if I feel brave enough to see other humans
• Counting down the weeks until I can't pay the bills anymore
• Attempting to estimate my tax return in my head

The stream of endless ideas, coupled with an intense desire not to work for 'the man' anymore has done nothing more than drain mental energy and cause a feeling of incompetence. In short, I accomplish something and run into a roadblock. Start something else, yep, roadblock. See JaySeas Tees for example.

Well after dinner with Grandma and watching a Hallmark movie called Love Locks, I stumbled upon a Jim Carrey article about depression. The article linked to the Elephant Journal, which lead me to a writing sample submission form. I went looping through my blog and decided upon The Heart is a Muscle. Reading through the posts on this blog turned a screw inside my brain and here's the real deal.

All of the posts on this blog are straight from internal source. There is no marketing strategy. There is no desire to write to a specific audience. There is nothing formulated about it. It's straight from the moment and direct from the heart. And I realize, that is how I want to live my life. These roadblocks aren't there to trip me up, I AM the roadblock by way of being incapable of the inauthentic performance the YouTubers want me to be.

Although this doesn't solve the dilemma, it's a little like being handed a garage door opener when you've lost your house keys. It reminded me that although I am naive and I DO NOT live in reality very often, I can't lose that. It's the most important thing about me and I don't need to pretend to be somebody else to be successful, I simply just need to be my weirdo self.

And so, I'm back and forever shameless. I hope you derived something of value from this post. Peace, Heart and Soul to all my peeps.

depth by happiness

I used to feel that depth was only found in the shadows. In the darkness. In the deep recesses. Yet, somehow, quite recently I stumbled upon a happiness so far down I barely recognized it. It was so big and so wide I couldn't see across it, and I didn't need to. It wasn't coming home after a long dreary day, it was a true feeling of expansion from in to out.

I suddenly became less cautious of what I shared and more willing and able to ask for what I wanted. The fear dimmed to the sound of a humble stream you sit next to for clarity in troubled times. I liked myself more for who I am, exactly as I am and found new ways to be less critical and more accepting. Everything became more whole-hearted and it seems the world and everything in it ceased in closure. It was suddenly open, where before I'd need to pry open the windows to see outside.

And in all of this, I can now see why the darkness seems to hold the depth. It has the ability to find real feelings with ease. It's easy to breathe sadness and sarcasm. It's easy to see a way to wallow alone in darkness. Nobody is there to judge it, it's just you. The light is less recognizable, it doesn't breed tears, tiredness and shame.

I like it. This happiness feels like love to me. It's something that's only time limit is yourself withholding. When being in it, in the very moment and putting out exactly what you are is all that's needed to keep the sacredness in tact.

This post is all about me. Yep, unapologetic, I feel euphorically capable of handling the windfalls, because I have me by my side. But, I hope that in doing so I can finally shed light for others and live out whatever purpose I'm here to impose.

And that's all I have to say right now... Until next time, forever shameless.

death by

suicide.

Chris Cornell.
Robin Williams.
Marilyn Monroe.
Kurt Cobain.
Mindy McCready.
Bob Welch.

The list is much longer than this and will continue to grow. Imagine all of that talent; disposed. At least they live on through their work. I think it's ever disturbing to be human in some ways. Especially if you are at least moderately awake. There's a nagging sense of not belonging in the body, but being forced to use it. Sometimes I think of it as a long daily commute. Trapped in the car, unable to fly like you know you would if you were as free as the stirrings of your insides.

There are so many limitations to living in a body. When your mind and your spirit don't match, it can be so alone. Tragic? Yes. But as much as these icons shed their skin on the screens, through lyric, song and modeling a fancy, their deaths seem so symbolic of something we intrinsically know as humans. To be vulnerable. To be out of place. To be constantly striving to be oneself and find the will to spread a unique vision out for the world to know. But even when you do, the fear that it will be lost in translation or mis-used is present. And if you become too successful, someone will want to bring you down. And for what? For manifesting your own greatness or for selling out...

I get to feeling that we all want to be seen and heard for our deepest self. Some shine best in the public, some avoid it and prefer only close intimacy, but we all crave it. And I can see how the drive to be actualized followed by perpetual disappointment, coupled with drugs and an insane lifestyle could lead someone to take that action. That last moment of despair, faced alone and the desire to escape the unending highs and lows of living. It's devastating.

But it is something to really draw in and consider. Iconic in life, symbolic in death. To momentarily recall that we're all fragile and we're all in this together, so why all the separation? Why all the violence and hurt. It could only be better, with a little consciousness. A little consideration. Less tragedy, more support.

I think Chris Cornell expressed these sentiments well in "Shadow of the Sun" - Audioslave. If you've never, I recommend it. That's all I have to say right now.

"Shadow Of The Sun"

Once upon a time I was of the mind
To lay your burden down
And leave you where you stood
And you believed I could
You'd seen It done before
I could read your thoughts
Tell you what you saw
And never say a word
Now all that is gone
Over with and done - never to return

[Chorus 1:]
And I can tell you why
People die alone
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Staring at the loss
Looking for a cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned

[Chorus 2:]
And I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lives inside my skin

[Chorus 2:]
And I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

label me

Sometimes I get to thinking the simplest truth ends up confined by a definition. Must we become as we are labeled? And yet, it's something so incredibly difficult to refrain from engaging in.

Boxes are put inside of boxes. Quite literally. How often do you receive an Amazon package that contains a boxed item that's been placed inside of another box? Is it imperative to box and re-box and confine everything?

Consider the start of a relationship, it starts out fun and filled with anticipation. And BAM, suddenly it's as though we back ourselves into a corner attempting to define it, or figure out where it's 'going.' Maybe your someone who likes a lot of alone time or you don't want to live with someone? Do you really have to? No. But you may end up feeling like you should or whatever, because it's what we think is correct or right...

Why, is what I'm extra curious about right now? I hold a lot of 'strange' views that people love to disagree with and I consider myself to be pretty okay with allowing a natural unfolding. One of my favorite boxes is regarding sexuality. I whole heartedly believe that humans are naturally designed to be attracted to or have a chemical reaction to either gender. In short, I think the only reason people are gay or lesbian is because it's a forced decision. You are attracted to or had sex with someone of the same gender, therefore you are gay or bi-sexual or whatever... But in our absolute purest forms, we're attracted to values and qualities and the souls of others and need not define why, or make a choice about it. Maybe we could've been allowed true freedom, if we hadn't been tainted with formed teachings and stereotypes.

Swallow the pill, as soon as your born, you'll be defined by everything you are and everything you're not. We don't have chips or barcodes yet, but we're still hard-wired to defeat ourselves by taking what we love and closing it in. Keep it safe. But why can't we just be; free...

That's all I have to say right now, well kind of! Working on getting back into this writing thing is more complicated than one might think. I think I forgot how. Or maybe I'm rebelling against defining my thoughts.

And so, I'll leave you with this beautiful Muse song. It's easy to presume it's another love song, but for me, it's about the entire universe and consciousness. It's about starting over and creating Utopia. Enjoy. Be. Free.

A little rusty

There's a lot going on in the world right now, isn't there? Or is there? Do any of us really know? Is the truth even accessible?

I'm a little rusty with writing, so bear with me, or don't, your choice...

It seems to me that the world has evolved at such an incredible speed in so many areas. Medical advances, technological advances, mental abilities, physical abilities and so much more. Yet somehow we manage to function at a caveman enough level that violence is still an incredible part of our society.

What will it take to evolve humanity to the point of being able to look at another human being and see them exactly as such, a human being, trying to make it or even thrive within their lifetime? It seems like such a simple concept and yet day in and out, fighting, bombing, murder, terrorism are the highlight of the news rail.

What is violence? 

Terrible. And yet somehow still such a deep seated part of our physiological make up. I know when I get angry it can be an unstoppable force for physical activity, but it can also mean I say things that truly stem from intense hurt, at the core. Maybe that's what it is. Our world is hurting, intensely and instead of going down and to that next level of emotion, it's easier to lash out and destroy the 'cause' of our hurt and despair.

Some say it's power. By now most of us know that war and terrorism stem from power, but why? Doesn't the desire for power stem from the hurt that comes from feeling powerless?

Not sure I have a point here, but I'd like to do something in my lifetime, even if it impacts only a few people, to change the view.

While I'm ruminating (in the lab, with a pen and a pad...) I welcome any ideas. There are so many movements and organizations, but we need a greater reach. There has to be a way to use all of our advances to finally realize that all life has value and there's no need for violence.

PS: I'll get better at this again, if you made it all the way through, APPLAUSE! And thank you for your time. 

Residual Effects and Self-Sabotage

About 13 years ago, I took a trip to California specifically for an in-person Past Live Regression session. If you aren't sure what that is, it's a simple process, similar to hypnosis, where you're in a trance like state and describe what you see in lives before your current incarnation, which is recorded for you. Yes, I went there...

Image courtesy of this website

It starts with birth and goes backwards. I saw a few different lives, one in which myself, my brother (currently) and both of my parents all lived in an orphanage somewhere in England. I was a young boy of about 10 and my brother currently, was my sister about 6 years old. The two of us fled the orphanage, on my lead (shocker.) I scavenged cleverly for food and resources, but turned most of it over to my little sister to keep her alive. In the memory, I ended up dying of starvation on the streets of England, she was hovered over me trying to wake me up from my deadened state.

Ever since that time, I've noticed many patterns emerge from myself, related or not, explained through this or my imagination, I'll never know. Regardless, there seems to be something in my unconscious that still has issues with food. I truly always feel like I will be starving. Funny enough, my brother and I lived together during college under my parents roof for a spell when they were cabin bound. I would always save part of my food if I went out (BUDGET...) for the next day. Jeff would ALWAYS eat my leftovers and I would ALWAYS get pissed. If only he knew I died of starvation because of him ;)

Hmm

What's my point? I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I'm trying to cut my body fat percentage down and build muscle, all at the same time, which is very hard. I pack myself a lunch and healthy, proportioned snacks every day, but I find that every day I start to panic. Once I log all of my food for the day into MyFitness Pal, I suddenly feel that I won't have enough fuel to get through my workouts. Am I going to be weak? I should maybe get a salad or soup or something to go with this? 

Logically, I know that it's enough. Unconsciously, I do not. On many occasions, I give into the demon and get some hard-boiled eggs, a small salad, soup, etc. (always healthy) but still calories I don't necessarily need. I feel it's sabotaging my fitness goals and makes me wonder how the past impacts the now.

It's something relatively harmless, but what about other things? Are illnesses and addictions a residual effect from the past? Reclusive behaviors? Inclusive behaviors? I guess we'll never really confirm knowledge. 

Anyways, this is not to excuse or explain undesirable behaviors, but rather to bring light onto the darkness of the unconscious and be better able to control the beast.

What do you think? Do you have any relentless complexes you think might be more readily understandable with Past Life knowledge?

That's all I have to say right now.