So smart...

I know I talk about past lives a lot, it's because I believe in them. I also think the soul knows way more than we do, but we aren't graced with that knowledge throughout life. And, I feel compelled to tell this story.

A long time ago, I met a man who would become my best friend and my husband. We were happy. I know that nostalgia can kill a lot of negativity, but when I look back I do see real, easy happiness. The kind I don't think I was used to seeing as a kid. We rarely fought, we laughed so much, we were full of inside jokes. Just happy. And then something happened. Nothing visible really, but I know that I was compelled to leave and we ended up getting divorced.

I went with it, as I do, but years later we could still talk like good friends and there was no animosity. We still have 'joint' custody of the dog, so I see him and his new family on occasion. When I met his daughter the first time, it was amazing. She glommed onto me like we'd known each other forever. The sweetest little girl. I met her when I was picking up the dog for a weekend stay and again a few times after that. It dawned on me a couple years ago that she was the reason. We were going to be DINKS forever and if I hadn't left, he would never have been a Dad and I always thought he would be the very BEST FATHER EVER.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I received a message from his wife. She said, I had to tell you this, we were taking Diva to the groomers (our dog) and his daughter randomly said, "I miss Jennifer, I want to give her a hug." Keep in mind, I've only met her a few times. I was so shocked and what I get from that, is this little soul knows I had to go so she could be born. She knows I played a part in it. Amazing. Skeptic all you want, but there's no real logical reason for her to remember me like that. 

I said, she has such a big heart, give her a hug for me! She wrote back to say the little girl said, "My heart is love Mama." 

I almost fell straight into tears, if that isn't the smartest statement you've ever heard, I don't know what is. And I think to myself, I'm so glad that this amazing little girl was born and that I followed the illogical path I felt before me. The world needs to hear more statements like that and remember their truth.

And in that moment, my 38 year old heart got bigger too...

That which seems small

When I got home tonight, I went to turn on the TV and I stumbled upon this book I made for my Grandma last year. I re-read a good portion of it and leafed through the photos. The book is titled "My Life, My Family." See, Grandma wrote up her 'bio' for her church group book club because they asked her to share her life story and she entrusted me with her short, hand written notes. She said she knew I would keep it safe.

Instantaneously I knew I wanted to make it into something, but I tucked it away for a time. Coming back to it later, I emailed the fam and asked them to write their favorite stories or whatever about Grandma and I would make it into a memorable book for her.

It took several months to get everyone's stuff and photos together and to create it. I found this awesome online book publisher called The Book Patch and ordered up a few copies intending to give it to her on Christmas day.

When they arrived I was shocked at how well it turned out. A full color, soft cover book (much like a Berenstein bears book...) was under $10 a piece. Crazy, I know!! Anyhow, when I presented Grandma with her Christmas gift, she cried and so did I. She could hardly believe that this effort was made on her behalf and she was so proud. She would thank me over and over when I saw her for it, for almost a whole year ahead.

Anyways, when I look back at it now I think that was the smallest but biggest thing I did that entire year. I took an idea and made it something so valuable to a very important person in my life and I'm so glad I didn't dilly dally and forget about it.

All this to say (like I always say, but usually in a more ambiguous way) there's magic in the small things, you just have to find it.

Peace out. Love you Grandma!

The Humor in it

Sometimes I like to watch the creatures of the world in the morning. So busy at work, spinning webs, collecting sand, sparring over the last few seeds in the feeders. A universe full of tiny worlds inside of bigger worlds.

The tiny worlds mimic the human world, with their hierarchy, status in the food chain and again, that general busyness. It's in these moments where unity is so present in my mind, I cannot fathom the want for ill manners and disregard for all that lives...

There is so much vulnerability in simply being and still that same vulnerability appears to be somehow lesser to the drama of humor and story telling. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a jolly good time as much as the next person, but to me there is this discrepancy in value. In order to be considered interesting or well-liked, one needs to possess this rambunctious quality of entertainment, where the more introspective persona is 'too serious' or 'boring.'

I tend to disagree. I find tender people, who put their hearts on the line really refreshing. To me, they are raw and real.

As that introspective vulnerable individual, it's easy to get lost in the sea of laughing drunken faces. Faces that on occasion become almost demonic in their lack of integral quality. Not all the time, but at times, I prefer the busy spider. He/She has a purpose in each action and literally lives inside a state of susceptibility. There's no covering, no mask, just acting out the mission it serves inside the giant world. Is that mirror there for a reason? Is it our function to simply be mused and amusing? I tend to think not, but who am I to say.

Maybe there's a balance to all of it, for there is an underlying truth in every joke, as much as there is a lonely sadness beneath the one telling countless egotistical tales from the past to any open (or closed for that matter) ear. And so the cycle competes itself, no not completes, that was intentional. One side covers for the other, while the other uncovers.

And that's all I have to say right now.

It reminds me of...

Chris Cornell might beg to differ in all his liking of things that don't remind him of anything. That said, many years ago I used to frequent a karaoke bar called The Otter. A tiny, kitchy little place with odd memorabilia, sayings and a tremendous painted mural on the outside street wall.

Inside was nearly always packed with hipster type locals being stars. The acoustics were foul, the beer was chilled but not cold, and fun times were never far. Hanging from the ceiling is an antique style car with two dolls in the front seat that match the era. The old woman with gray hair is wearing glasses and a flowery dress, the gentleman a gray suit (at least that's how I remember it...) It took me a few years to even notice it was there.

I said to the gentleman I was talking with that it reminded me of this poem I read in English lit. It was about a very old couple, who loved each other very much but they were done with life. One Sunday afternoon, they dressed up, went to Church and took a drive that ended in their successful, albeit peaceful, suicide. They died holding hands in their Sunday best in what I imagine was their most prized possession, their antique car.

I searched for the poem/story, but was too impatient to wait to write this. But, what I wanted to say is a story can be found in every space, every person, every inch of this world and it subjects us to more meaningful thought.

How was the story meaningful? I suppose for me it painted a romanticized vision around something I definitely resonated with during that class. It represented a love bond that did not want to be broken. A reverse Romeo and Juliet, if you will. Fiction is as fiction does. Draws us into corridors we can't experience in the drudgery of mundane existence. And that is where creation begins. We are born creators, without imagination we are simply mortal beings existing to exist.

In summary, surround yourself with others who paint a vision around what they see, sense and experience. Logic is for work and necessity, but vision makes the Earth spin and is also how we find out anything and everything.

The tiny monster

It was a gorgeous day in Minnesota today. I sat outside catching up on some phone calls and I kept hearing this noise underneath my front deck. My imagination envisioned a giant snake or alien out of a movie creeping towards me and the extreme reaction following its exposure.

As I stood up to go inside, I discovered the tiniest of birds about 24 inches from where my foot was. It was down a step, so I didn't see it. This tiny bird scarcely moved. I'm terrified of birds, so I spoke to it ever so gently as I backed away slowly. "Hello. Are you all right? Are you injured?" I said, as though it could hear me.

I walked indoors, nonetheless, and thought I'd check on it in a bit. Alas, the symbolism wasn't lost on me, nor is it an uncommon message. But, I'm always glad to hear from the Universe. To me, it's a clearer message in symbol form. Aside from being a firm believer in the 'still small voice,' I often find it difficult to hear... Or so I think.

I poured a new cup of coffee and turned to the door, walked out and the bird was gone. And I'm left to wonder.

I'm going to spell this out because people tend to say I'm too vague.

A. The imagination blows up the unknown into things that are scary.
B. Most often things aren't as big and scary as you think.
C. If it involves somebody else, maybe the big scary thing is a result of their injury or insecurity.
D. Maybe it's just a bird and means nothing. (If you don't believe in messages from the environment...)

Well friends. I do believe in messages from the environment, I do believe in symbolism and I do believe my brain is frightened enough to envision my worst nightmares out of the tiniest of things. And if it does involve somebody else, they probably don't mean me any harm. Just like the tiny bird.

Ironically, I was still a bit frightened of the tiny bird, but I persevered in engaging with him/her. I was so afraid it was injured and I didn't want to leave it alone to die. And that's another message from the Universe about me. I care, even when scared.

And then you take these messages and you run ahead into life. Sometimes you tip toe, sometimes you hide, others you strut like a mo-fo. But, you do it with the awareness to hear what's meant for you to know so you can know you like never before and impact change in yourself and change in the world around you. And nothing and everything more.

Peace and light. Forever shameless.